By Hugh Jorgan (CNN)

September 9, 2002 St. Paul, Minnesota (CNN)

In a sparsely attended press conference at the Team Pig Office of Players and Personnel, team member Mike Dueber announced his not-so-surprising retirement as a player yesterday. Dueber, who has been plagued by injuries over the past 23 years, hobbled to the podium while strapped in an assortment of squeaky braces and mechanical devices for a short, focused speech:

Duebs closed with the following, memorable statement: "Today-ay-ay I consider myself-elf-elf the luckiest man-an-an ever on Team Pig-ig-ig."

Tim Durose, another founder and recent retiree of Team Pig, had this comment, "Duebie was STILL playing? You gotta be sh*tin' me." Another former teammate, Hanno (sic), had only one thought "HIT THIS!". One other former teammate stated, anonymously, "Test Me".

Dueber's retirement before the end of the Fall 2002 season, while sudden, will drastically reduce both the average weight and IQ of Team Pig, thus giving them cap room to find new regular players for next year. Some highlights of Duebs' career include:

• The very first 1-9 season of Team Pig back in 1988(?)
• The renaming of the team from the Mighty Mavs to Team Pig and its subsequent relocation
• Several team sponsors, including the team itself
• Nerd Night
• Movement of the team's postgame headquarters including stops at Vogels, a Fall at Pickles, Moose's, and now the Sherwood Lounge
• Witnessing live performances of "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Home on the Range"
• A seemingly endless streak of coaching changes
• Meat and Howie's final appearance
• Fundraisers, fund losers, and fund break-eveners
• Weekly (weakly?) off-season floor hockey
• The Rondo-Meat parking lot race
• A vast accumulation of hardware from Spring and Fall championships
• Several changes in Pig rosters, a great gain in weight, but little gain in talent
• Some of the finest Fan Appreciation Nites ever seen
• Victories over far superior teams and losses to guys in jeans and men with one arm
• Participation in the slowpitch softball game featuring the saddest/most entertaining true triple play ever seen.

Kochie, the weight leader and pitcher for the Pigs said only "Good Eye, Bad Eye. Duebs shouldda retired years ago...about a hunch-ed." Berf, another old-timer, hit a tremendous-corn shot and then scratched his thyroid. Current player/manager/coach Big Dick, stricken with a strange mixture of grief and joy over Duebs' announcement, had only this to say "Oh, I ain't?!?!?"

J.D., left fielder and spiritual leader of the squad was quoted as saying "Who IS dis?" and "Carry". Jurgy, newest member of Team Pig, asked "What, Berf is retiring"?

Woody, who formerly gave the Pigs a much needed spark of youth but has given in to normal, slow team complacency said only "I can't believe he lasted as long as he did. I thought he was done years ago. For an old guy, he sure was mediocre." Joe Schwartz, in response to Woody, said "It's timeless Wood".

Dick Dog, Chicken, and Lex were unwilling to comment, due to pending contract disputes. 
Chris Boxmeyer, another former player, added "That c-smoker hung on waayy too long." 

Dave Schwartz, who along with Duebs was an original member of what is now Team Pig had this to say, "Duebs was the greatest left-handed throwing original player of both Team Pig and its predecessor that lasted until now. OK, he was the ONLY one but he still paved the way and gave hope to other lefty gimps. Given all the games he missed, it's friggin' fitting that his final scheduled games would be rained out. There's not much else to say."

The other members of Team Pig, their affiliates, sponsors, and subs will continue on in proud Pig tradition this Thursday evening in the penultimate game of the Fall 2002 season.

Stay tuned for more announcements. CNN - We're there so you can be there, kind of.